Marriage is a Process

Marriage is a Process

Getting to know someone is a process, not a product. A product is something that can be delivered in a final form and is not subject to change. If it could talk it would say, “I’m happy being just what I am. Stop all this talk about growth and change.”

Think of a table saw, for instance. It is a finished product. It has a job it was specifically designed for, and when used as intended, accomplishes its purpose admirably well. But it will never be a piano or a commercial jet. Since it is a finished product it will forever remain a table saw.

People, however, are not finished products. Our lives our dynamic, alive, vibrant. We can dream, make plans, alter our route, try a new job and meet new people. We are never tied to a set course and programmed life, unless we choose so, and even that demonstrates that we are alive and dynamic, because we made the choice. We can just as easily choose something different.

Because our lives are dynamic and changing, our relationships are, too. They never stay exactly the same as when we first formed them. That is certainly true of our marriages.

Photo compliments of Jhen Stark Photography

As children, we relate to our parents as heroes. As teenagers, we may see them as oppressors against which we must rebel. In our twenties we realize again how smart they are. In our thirties and forties we covet their wisdom to apply to our own families. In our fifties and sixties we worry about their health and safety. Our relationship changes with them through the years.

The same thing happens with our children. As babies we provide for their every care. As toddlers we encourage their first steps in independence. As teens we monitor the degree of freedom they are mature enough to handle. As twenty and thirty year olds we honor their independence, but still provide the nurture and direction they are willing to receive. And when they are forty and fifty year olds, we hope they call us.

Relationships are never finished products. They are always subject to change, revision, refocusing. That is true of our relationships with our parents and children, and it is especially true of our most intimate relationship, our marriage.

The dynamic quality of relationships means that if we nourish them properly, they can grow deeper and more enriching, fulfilling our need for intimacy and connection. Conversely, their dynamic quality means that if we don’t nurture and care for them, they can slip into destructive attitudes and patterns, depriving us of intimacy and connection, leaving us frustrated and unfulfilled. It is important to realize that at whatever state our marriages may be in right now, they can grow and improve if we give them the proper attention.

How do we work to ensure, or at least improve the odds, that our marriages can grow healthier and more satisfying? That will be the theme for the next several lesson/chapters. For now, here are a couple of things to keep in mind.

One, remember that, individually, we are all growing and changing. Our likes and dislikes, goals and aspirations, and perspectives and values are all subject to revision. As we study, and learn, our outlook on life and the people around us will change as well. Since we are changing, we are affecting everything and everyone around us, either positively or negatively. They have to change to adjust to us.

Two, our spouses are changing as well. Their lives are as dynamic as ours, and their life-perspectives are also in flux. To stay connected, we have to embrace not only the changes in ourselves but also in our spouse, and accept them as they are.

Three, change inevitably produces some level of conflict, but it can be a healthy if we maintain our connection through communication and understanding. If we try to avoid the uncomfortable feeling of change and upheaval through fighting to keep things static, that will produce conflict of a much more destructive nature.

Photo compliments of Jhen Stark Photography

Remember, relationships are a process, not a finished product. We can never say, “We’re here! We have arrived! Ultimate happiness is ours!” There will be daily challenges to our contentment. The good news is, if today we are unhappy and discontented in our marriage, positive and hopeful change can begin right away if we take the appropriate steps. The marriage we are ready to give up on today may be the relationships that provides our greatest joy in just a few months.

What positive steps have you taken to promote marriage as a process?

Warren Baldwin

Link to Marriage Mondays.