What Do You Expect of Your Marriage? #1
Randall and Kim expected marriage to be a mutual journey into endless joy and bliss. The anticipation of coming together as one flesh physically and spiritually was especially exciting. Then there was the expectation of children in a few years, saving money, buying a large house, fun-filled vacations and exciting reunions with extended family. Marriage promised all the joy and fulfillment they had grown to expect from the sermons they’d heard and the books they’d read.
And there were such periods of excitement and happiness, especially in the early months and years. But, eventually, they found those periods interspersed with other times of disappointment, anger, even despair. At times both Randall and Kim wondered, what happened to the dream? Ironically, even though both of them had those thoughts at times, neither expressed them to their partner. They held them in private.
Several common expectations were shattered on the rocks of reality for Randall and Kim. Perhaps the first was that of perpetual happiness. Before they married just the thought of the other could make Randall or Kim smile with delight. Ten years into the marriage the thought of their partner was often accompanied by some duty they were expected to fulfill. "Kim is going to ask if I fixed the lock on the door" or "Randall is going to want his dinner ready when he gets home." Both reflections came with an awareness that their role as husband or wife was laden with responsibility.
Another expectation that went through some serious revision was the whole concept of love. Prior to the marriage Randall and Kim thought of love as something they felt. The good looks, welcoming smile, and kind speech of their partner sparked immense joy inside, a feeling they described as love. That feeling was tested severely in time when neither found their needs being met as they envisioned they would be. Only much later did they realize that love has little to do with feeling and more to do with commitment to another person, commitment to be loyal, to honor and to serve
Randall and Kim also found that the carefree time they spent in each other’s company before marriage was soon replaced with the demands of house repairs, kids homework, and having to work overtime for extra money. This often left them sapped of time, energy and interest. Their carefree time now was spending a couple of hours watching tv after the children went to sleep.
Disappointment and disillusionment followed their shattered expectations, and in their private thoughts both Randall and Kim wondered about the whole purpose of marriage. Where was the endless bliss they were promised? Where was the happiness, the sense of being valued and esteemed by their partner? Those emotions that carried them into their marriage evaporated shortly after.
Because of their religious training, and their conviction that God didn’t want them to divorce, Randall and Kim hung in there. They worked through the shattered expectations and processed the disappointment. Gradually they began to see a whole new picture of their marriage beginning to emerge. They realized that when they served each other, even if rather grudgingly at times, they were exercising some important spiritual muscles that gave them strength to endure. They also discovered that when they served their partner without any strings attached, they were served in return, often beyond what they had a right to expect.
How is your journey going toward companionship and contentment?
Warren Baldwin
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2 comments:
Such good work you are doing here, Warren, encouraging all of us along in our marriage journeys. Marriage and parenthood are purification processes for sure, some of it more painful than I would like. But when I get glimpses of the results it is so worth it. Thanks be to God.
Hanging in there is what counts. I think other fellow married couples know it's hard to make a marriage work but newly weds, now I'm pretty sure they just have to experience it for themselves.
Great post!
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